Looking at old files and documents in my computer, I discovered ancient journals dated 2002 of writings of my experiences after my stroke. I did not publish at that time, though, primarily because, in my opinion, the manual was too choppy and uneven. You see, obtaining aphasia, a language disorder that affects the processing of my brain, seemed weird and unnatural in my communications. Therefore, I buried that on the backburner with one day redirecting to my satisfaction.
However, some of my manuscripts were still relevant even today. So, here is one of my articles that is poignant yet relevant, warts and all.
I hope you agree…
January 13, 2002
Little Bit Sad
The topic is resilience, the “never, never, never give up” kind of philosophy. As I looked at my life at the end of 12 years after my stroke (tomorrow is my anniversary of my stroke), I have done so much both physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually since my recovery.
Yet, at the same time, I still feel a little bit sad because I don’t know what I wanted to when I grow up. I have been searching for a guiding light to show me what I need to do to be successful in life, but it’s escaping me from time to time. Sometimes I can deal the energy flowing in this is the right steps for me, and then the next minute, I am a completely turning into a different path. It’s very ironic and sometimes very upsetting, but I guess that’s just me.
Stamp My Heart
I want to make the difference in my life. I want to stamp my heart by energy into something dramatic; but what? I have tried numerous avenues, and to be honest, have been very successful in all of them, but at the same time, I feel hollow inside. I guess in some ways I was fortunate because I am alive, I had my wits around me again and I had my family and my friends all around me.
But, at the same time, I feel like I am in albatross because I am by myself, alone sometimes. My friends are now married, have kids and our did a different situation. I can’t explain it sometimes; the feel the forcefulness deep in my throat. I guess that’s one of the side effects on suffering a stroke; it’s an emotional slide after a major catastrophe like a brain injury issue.
Go Forward, Not Backward
Now I don’t want to be a bummer about this because of the most part, I am a very happy person. So going back to my original point of resilience, I am confident. My abilities that I can do anything I want if I put my mind to it. And that’s why I always go forward, not backward.
Because I believe, that there is a silver lining (I know, a trite saying), but it is true. I know that I can do better. I know that I can strive harder. And without realizing what I am saying, I also think about that everyone can feel the same triumphs if they put their mind to it.
That’s a very powerful feeling, isn’t it?